The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
