I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Shame - the story of my life.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
