I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
MIDGETS
????
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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