sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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