My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize