I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize