girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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