I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The best revenge is premature balding
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
