She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
