i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
