Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
