at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were destined to go to rehab together
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize