i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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