erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sober January is a disaster.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
