The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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