vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
