my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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