Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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