This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
