New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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