don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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