Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
