Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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