Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
