Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
