You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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