when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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