I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
