I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
