I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
