Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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