I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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