There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
