I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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