wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize