when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
