my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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