my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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