I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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