So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
