Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
