Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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