I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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