I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
