Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
