My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
