Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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