even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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