Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
