I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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