If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
