when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
