Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
