I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
