I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
