High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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