Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
