Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
