Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
