I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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