toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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