Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
