You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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