Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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